ok i know this is immature but i cant help myself! happy new year.

the world is fucking stupid.

dear jamie,

why do we hurt our bodies? there is too much green tea in my stomache. why do we do it? i am so high, i just drank three cups, and i put too much in the tea pot i think – i went and cleaned the whole kitchen, and i’ve researched the best ways to get rid of cockroaches, i am so in a tweaker mindset right now – what if in a parallel universe the tweaker girls in high school were japanese green tea drinkers? they would get almost the same feeling, but they wouldn’t get addicted, and we’d probably see them at lunch meditating on nothingness on the football field. there would be different meaning in that all too familiar teenage attitude of “doing nothing.” i’m doing nothing.

i wonder what it would feel like to have a rope tied around my neck and to have people looking at me with cameras – or i wonder what people would think when they look at me on the front pages of newspapers or web-pages. i guess i wouldn’t care about any of that because if i could have anything in the whole world i would just want air.

did i ever show you this book? you should read it:

-D

last night i dreamt ches was playing with sonic youth. ches, will you write a song called, “the scientologist and the linguist”??? – or, call it “Beck and Chomsky” – or how about: “beck vs heidegger” or: “FUCK IT!!! FUCK IT!!!”

two nights ago i texted jamie, “holy fuck i’ll be in heaven i found the explorer series vol 2 gamelan from central java on itunes and i have an itunes certificate that i got for christmas.” today i accidentalalaly bought the CD on itunes using my own money and not the gift certificate. they fucking tricked me. FUCK IT! FUCK IT!

today i visited a printer to get an exact quote on a publication i want to print (the catalog for an art show i’m curating in los angeles in late feb.). i need fucking six grand in US dollars to print it how i want to print it. FUCK IT! if I lived in canada i would tell my government to pay for it. FUCK IT!!! FUCK IT!!! how do i raise six grand? okay, this is serious, to all you xiu xiu fans out there, convince your boss at work to sponsor an art show! they’ll get credit and thanks on the publication which will be given away for free! in the show: xiu xiu is making a sound sculpture in it. krysten has drawings that fill the void of the world. uta has pictures of stillness and staring. lindsay will have film-stills of barthes’ bliss and pleasure. brendan fowler (barr) will talk about absense and art. and more! but seriously, if your business or organization (or you?) wants to sponsor it, email me: hikarusaru (at) hotmail (dot) com. FUCK IT!!!

if michel foucault was alive he’d probably let marines fuck him in the ass to give them HIV. FUCK IT!!! FUCK IT!!!

oh and also, party at my house tomorrow night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LA rock? what the fuck? covering WHAT with your keyboards?
I am moving to Fresno?

hi david
in the book it says that marines like to get fucked in the ass by navy guys because
a) they have to be so tough all the time it gives them a chance to let go
b) it shows how tough they are that they can get pounded in the ass
c) they hate the navy and try to get shit on them
that is all i remember from that book
love and peace in the new year and hot tam tam
yes it is i
mr.
j
j
j
j
j
j
a
a
a
mie the finger!!!!!!!!!!!!! fist fuck!!!!!!!

i learned how to spell “success” from full house. danny tanner was explaining to stephanie, before she won the school spelling bee that when you double the c and double the s, you end up with success.

i learned how to spell breakfast from my older sister. it was the usual “break” and then “fast” thing. i remember being real young and memorizing the words to “more human than human” by the almighty white zombie and bringing those lyrics to school. i even wore a white zombie t-shirt in the first grade, when a french/christian children’s singer put on a show for us in the old beat down gym. the principal made me go home and change because the shirt had satanic symbols on it and i kept yelling out “do you know any rolling stones songs?!” his name was greg le rock, i think. i fucking hate the french.

right now i’m drinking a glass with coke and ice in it. and by coke and ice, i mean coca cola and ice cubes. ’cause i’m sure mixing coke and ice would be insanely ridiculous and you’d end up either taking apart a motorcycle and putting it back together again or just having a heart atttack.

speaking of…

tomorrow i start my ten day detox. camh. one of the top ten centers in all of north america. five month waiting list. they just called today and told me to come in tomorrow at eight o’clock in the morning which means i have to get up at four thirty in the morning which means not only will i be sick, but i’ll be even more grumpy than i had first imagined. i even have to buy ten packs of cigarettes, ’cause i’m not allowed visitors.

but what especially sucks about starting this tomorrow, is that one of my best friend’s funeral is friday, and the viewing is tomorrow. i was almost ready to say “fuck it” to the whole recovery thing just to make the funeral, but my mother said she’d go to the funeral and abuse her body and other’s on my behalf. that was sweet of her. especially since her left boob is in more pain than i could imagine. she has a big patch over it. but it’s not covering her nipple. so she showed me. and she flashed me and said “LOOK MIRANDA, THEY STUCK A NEEDLE IN THERE!”

she used to get naked in front of me as a kid just to get me to stop bugging her for money.

i don’t really have time or energy to send out individual emails. so if anyone reading this knows me personally, you know what’s up, and i’ll be gone for a little over a week. wish me luck. i’m not even going to be able to party on new year’s. so have a drink, fuck a hooker, and shoot yourself silly for me.

the very first xiu xiu show i went to, was the first time they came to toronto. my friend alysha and i went. we came early. i had my nacho cheese gear ready, and we noticed this black woman on queen street. i was outside having a cigarette and alysha quickly followed. this black woman was clearly on crack, and most likely homeless. she had two plastic grocery bags with her filled with different shoes and not one of them matched. so single shoes. heels, sneakers, loafers, slippers… everything. the gladstone was under construction at the time and there was this big metal thing covering the front of it. she started climbing it like godzilla, while carefully handling her two bags of shoes. she yelled like a soul sister, and put her hands on her hips mick jagger style. after she came down, she started to throw the shoes at passing cars. and then in the windows of cars that were stopped at the red light. and then she placed a high heel on the streetcar tracks. the streetcar stopped for at least twenty minutes until the cops finally came. right before she left, she was walking more like a chicken than mick… but who can tell. i remember after she left, and there was no more fun to be had… owen from final fantasy asked me for a cigarette and we started talking about canadian idol. both of our moms wanted to try out for canadian idol. and i vaguely remember a talk about coldplay.

blackzilla will always remain in my heart, and i hope to god i have a story like that when i come back from detox.

i will have email access, but i’m not sure about full internet access. y’ know… like surfin’ the web, or posting anywhere, or talking on msn (even though i rarely do that anymore.)

so email me. but if i’m a bitch during or after this ten days, don’t blame me. it’s sobriety and it’s not your friend.

ps: if you know a hot contract killer or a mafia badass… tell me or give him my number. as long as he has a slightly receding hairline and a moustache or sideburns.

here’s to dying at 27!

fuck you, stillepost. you’re boring.

sometimes i read craigslist because i’m bored, look what i found:

Marine seeks LAPD or Deputy for possible LTR – m4m

Reply to: pers-253879615@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-26, 10:16PM PST

just returned staeside… stationed at Camp Pendleton
lving in L.A. on the weekends

seeking something with an LAPD Officer or Deputy Sheriff ONLY

prefer under 35 but the younger you are the better

i have a DISCREET photo however send what you want as long as it shows face
this is to remain CLASSIFIED but I am open to going out on dates, etc…

JAMIE KNOWS ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF, HE’S READ A BOOK! JAMIE, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

haikus of the DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
by jamie the virtue poseur 2006

first one for larsen

the ox the camel
the penciled museum note
to build a new church

for HH

age 30 plus 12
a beast is not soft enough
time causes all wounds

for whomever did this piece and for HH for the translation

your short hair remakes
“crying contest” opens me
to see confidence

for CM

never having known
the queens house reveals to you
the blood of the lamb

ok it has been along time since i thought about punching myself in the face as hard as i can. today it is all i can think about. this is so fucking DUMB + DUMB!!!!!!!!
is it more dumb to say it outloud?
a good friend of mine told me that at a certain age it is at the very least unbecoming to make public ones uncertainies, self pity, self hate and unhappiness. he then told me that i was nearing if not at that age. i know he is just saying this to make sure that i do not look like a pathetic, sagging drag queen but FUCK what do you do when it wont lay off, wear a fucking beret?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!H!H!H!H!H!H!H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my sister is taking iron instead of prozac.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists down the road have kidnapped George W. Bush and Dick Cheney,” the man says, “They’re asking $100 million ransom. Otherwise they’re going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car taking up a collection.”

The driver asks, “How much is everyone giving on average?”

The man responds: “Most people are giving about a gallon.”

By Terry J. Allen / In These Times / Feb. 2007

Zainab may be one of the 655,000 Iraqis who would be alive today if the Bush administration hadn’t launched its criminally conceived and executed war. Violence caused most of the excess deaths. But 54,000 people died from non-violent causes, such as heart disease, cancer and chronic illness. They were victims of a health care system eviscerated by mismanagement, ill-placed priorities, corruption and civil war.

The body count comes, not from the U.S. government–which either does not bother to track, or won’t release, the Iraqi death toll–but from a survey by the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and Baghdad’s Al Mustansiriya University, published in The Lancet.

Almost four years ago, just before the invasion, Zainab, age 10, sat small and dignified on a hard plastic chair in a featureless room in a Baghdad hospital. An IV dripped poison into her outstretched arm. Her leukemia was going into remission and she was pink-cheeked and doing well. Despite the shortage of medicine and care created by combined efforts of Saddam and U.S. sanctions, the medical system still functioned.

Pre-Gulf War Iraq was “believed to have the best health care system in the Mideast, so it had enough altitude that it could fall some and still survive,” says Gilbert Burnham, principal author of the Johns Hopkins survey.

Today, the country’s healthcare is in free fall. Most of the $1 billion that Washington transfused into the medical system has bled out through the open wounds of wars. Of the 34,000 doctors in Iraq at time of the invasion, more than half are gone: Most fled the country; 2,000 were murdered.

“Senior doctors, especially surgeons, have left, and patients are seen by inexperienced physicians,” Dr. A., who requested anonymity, told In These Times. He left a Baghdad hospital in July to study in the United States.

Zainab may have finished treatment before the system collapsed around her and joined the 85 percent of childhood leukemia patients who survive. But this was March 2003, and, as you know, things would not be going well.

Today, patients like Zainab die daily from treatable illnesses and injuries. “That translates to more than 1,800 preventable deaths a year at [one Baghdad] hospital alone,” according to the Los Angeles Times, which quoted Iraqi physician Husam Abud: “[I]f we get cases of cancer, we can’t treat them. They’ll probably end their days here.”

Making things worse, the Ministry of Health is controlled by Shia cleric Muqtada al-Sadr’s movement, “ignorant people who know nothing about medical science,” a doctor told InterPress Service (IPS) reporters Dahr Jamail and Ali Al-Fadhily. More than ignorant, the clerics charged with protecting Iraqis’ health are part of sectarian militias with military, political and religious agendas. The “guards” they place in hospitals are an ominous presence. “They are wearing Ministry of Health uniforms,” says Dr. A., “but everyone knows they are part of Sadr’s militia. Of course, they are armed with machine guns.”

Everyone suffers, but Sunnis disproportionately. “We have no medications or blood serum supplies,” Tariq Hiali, a health official in mainly Sunni Baqubah told the Los Angeles Times.

“The Ministry of Health is not providing us with medications and medical equipment; they consider [us] terrorists.” Which means fair game in the escalating civil war. One doctor told IPS that ministry-controlled militiamen have “divert[ed] the ministry into a death squad headquarters.”

“Sunni patients are being murdered; some are dragged from their beds,” CBS News reported. “A man was bringing his murdered brother to the [hospital] morgue. They asked him if he knew who the killers were and he said yes.’ They shot him right there,” said a medical worker.

Little wonder that physicians like Dr. A have joined Iraq’s nearly 2 million post-invasion refugees.

Medical personnel remaining in Iraq have shown dedication and courage. They face shortages, death threats and kidnapping, as well as inadequate supplies that increase mortality, patient suffering and nosocomial infections.

And when militias dispense “security,” simply providing care is dangerous. “A doctor was attacked by [Ministry of Health] guards in Al Yarmook Hospital because he was preventing the guards from interfering in the medical care,” says Dr. A. “The doctors complained to the ministry that they cannot work in such an environment, and they held a one-day strike.”

Increasingly, the whole country is a fatally hostile environment, where people like Zainab die routinely from bad health care and worse policies. If she did not survive Iraq’s medical free fall, she was a casualty of war, as surely as the 600,000 felled by bullets and bombs.